That statement might seem a bit confusing on it's own, so let's ellaborate a little.. or try anyways 😜
Let's start with some common examples, which I'm sure will supplement well enough for your own experiences with your current significant other.
Think about the times when your partner comes into your presence, and they are unhappy about something. What do you think about, and what's your first inclination to do in response to their unhappiness?
Do you try to cheer them up?
Do you try to resolve their problems or make them feel better?
Do you get upset with them for complaining?
Do you join them in their misery and start venting about your own sour grapes?
What about when your partner is upset. What do you do when they come to you and are upset with you over something they believe you intentionally did to hurt them?
Do you immediately shrink and apologize?
Do you respond to their anger with your own anger and start fighting?
Do you allow them to railroad you with their anger and quietly seeth about how you hope their plans that evening will be ruined by some act of source?
What about when you're upset with your partner? You know, in those moments you are just so sure that they hurt you on purpose? In those moments when their thoughtlessness is just so consistent it can't be accidental anymore? What do you do then?Do you come to them lovingly and try to talk them out of their joy because it lead them to thoughtlessly disturb your own reality?
Do you bite your tongue for as long as you can, trying to wait for the right moment and right words, only to end up exploding on them in the one moment they finally got to unwind with you?
Or do you find yourself taking action to do to them what they did to you?
These are all common enough occurences in modern day relationships, that millions of articles have been written just to explore and attempt to resolve them. They're such abundant occurences between two people that are supposed to be in love with each other, that scientists and researchers have conducted thousands of studies in attempt to understand what could cause two people so attracted to each other, to treat each other so unjustly so often.
And as someone who has done all of these things and had all of them done to me, and been there to help friends, family and clients through the same, I can tell you from plentiful personal experience that our closest and most intimate relationships could be infinitely more blissful for everyone involved, if we would do significant thing:
STOP FOCUSING ON WHAT IS NOT
Or more importantly, START focusing on the WHAT IS that you derive JOY and SATISFACTION from; the only two energies which when focused upon will immediately manifest and multiply. The only two energies, in fact, which will immediately resolve any fight and immediately bring you back into alignment with your partner, and them back into alignment with you; regardless of however upset or disjointed you two were before you activated within yourself, that focus on the what is that already brings you joy and satisfaction.Alternatively, when we keep our focused trained mostly only on the what is not of what our partners aren't doing to make us feel good, we hold ourselves in a place of disalignment with our love for them, and with the positive prosperity of your relationship. And when we do this, we also hold ourselves in a place where we feel like we have to control our partners behavior, because we convince ourselves that we cannot be happy or stay in our happy place, unless they alter their behavior; which is absolutely 100% NOT TRUE and completely UNFAIR to demand of them.
To believe that you have to control anyone else, especially anyone you love, prevents them from making any truly necessary changes on their own, because it prevents us from holding our partners in our own minds, as the wonderful, capable, radiant, and loving individuals we fell in love with.
The way you think of your lover most often, is where you keep them stuck, especially if you think of them most often as the largest source of your own unhappiness.
Though when we go back to focusing on the what is of them which consistently helps us remember how in control of ourselves we are, and how joyful and satisfied we can choose to be with or without them, then we hold them in alignment with their highest good. Holding them in that alignment can do nothing but good for them, for you, and for your relationship together.
So rather than getting even, get into alignment.
Rather than trying to control them, control yourself.
Rather than demanding that they be your eternal source of feelings of affection and satisfaction, recognize the unfairness and impossibility of such a demand, and start practicing being your own source of feelings of affection and satisfaction.
Rather than holding yourself in a place of needing to be a fixer, hold yourself in a place of being an uplifter.
Rather than waiting for them to do some things that inspire you to feel happy and loving of them, train yourself to be inspired to feel happy and loving of them in EVERY MOMENT when they've done nothing to "earn" it; especially those moments when you'd previously felt like they'd done everything to earn the opposite.
Rather than looking for what's wrong with your partner, look for what's right.
And last, but certainly not least, STOP getting upset at other people when YOU feel upset about their experience. They have ZERO control over how YOU feel or how YOU perceive them or what they're thinking or doing. YOU are the only one who has control over how YOU feel and how YOU act and how you CHOOSE to think about everything that happens. It's not their fault if YOU get upset about something they did or didn't do. That was your choice. It's not their fault if YOU choose to feel neglected or unappreciated when they place they make something or someone else the object of their focus or affection (and who wouldn't when you're thinking so negatively!). It's not their fault if YOU would feel like things were broken if YOU were complaining about what they're complaining about.
None of your feelings are ever their fault.
Just as none of their feelings are ever your fault.
Our feelings are always our own responsibility and 100% within our own control at all times; Yes! Even when we're already in the middle of a full blown tantrum.
Remember this the next time your partner comes to you with feelings of upsetness or dissatisfaction or dysfunction.
Remember this whenever you find yourself feeling disjointed.
And remember also, that in order to even become aware of anyone else doing something you feel is wrong or hurtful, you first have to already have been out of alignment with the naturally loving, compassionate, understanding, grateful, and inspirationally uplifting lover your partner feel in love with. And if your out of alignment with those parts of you, it's not that they've done something to put you there, it's that you were in that place already; the only state where we are even able to notice or get stuck in thinking about the wrongness of any other.
Getting yourself out of such negative practices, and into a practice of aligning with yourself as the loving, passionate, understanding, uplifting and grateful partner you really are, is the only way to meet your partner in the same place and be a deliberate contributor to the blossoming of excitement and wonder in your relationship.
Which is a very wonderful part to play if you really think about it.
Certainly much more wonderful than being a perpetuator of sour moods and old news 😉